out of sequence, i know, but this has been bugging me.
i felt in high school that it was not ok, there was something wrong, if i acted upset and had problems. i had awesome grades, i was highly involved in activities (which was to avoid being at home but that's another story), and i had good friends. there shouldn't have been anything to complain about, but there was. i was really unhappy, and i still don't know quite why. i know i felt a lot of pressure to always be the best. i feel it now, but i think i am doing my own pressuring these days. clay said i'm not perfect. i know this is true; it is impossible for mortals to be perfect. but is it so wrong to be as perfect as i can? he asked if i ever did get 100% on a test. i mean i have, but i think he's on to something - i think there's always been some minor mistake, be it spelling or whatever. but why does that upset me so much? and maybe i don't need to be perfect, but i do need to do my best. is it so wrong to push myself and demand nothing less? it doesn't make me happy to look at a grade i got and the first thought to be, "whew. at least they won't yell at me." i am almost 25 and paying for this myself - it is none of their business what i get on a test. but ok what do i get out of doing well? i am not mad at myself. i feel a quiet relief as long as i get a's. maybe i am proving that i've still got it; that i am still a good student; that i didn't make a horrible mistake when i quit pre-med. that i could have done it all along; that it was a choice to do poorly at osu; that i'm back and even better; that i am not a fuck-up. but i am making myself invisible. and why does clay care if i want to put a lot of effort into this? is he jealous that i don't go to work everyday? this IS the reason i worked everyday at that stupid bank.
posted by kate 12:27 PM