Finally Got Something to Say

hehe well i got all those annoying little posts off, and all of those (i probably shouldn't use annoying here)... annoying people out of my apt (ok i never ever said i had much tact, and, well, they DID annoy me). anyways, i am working dilligently on mad cow and i'm gonna have to save my stats stuff for later cause i'm still tired and (sorry baby) i'm going to have to take a nap before that interview. i think they consider it to be generally rude if you fall asleep during one of those. i still need a decent joke or i will be stuck with the knock knock... banana joke that i telll everyone and everyone hates. yeah that's tell with 3 l's. get over it :)

anyways, ahhhh. i think i have become similar to an only child in that i can't tolerate people around me for long periods. but i was always kind of a brat and i even got flustered at sleepovers. hmm. hope they're not turning my power off... that'd suck. i still have heat, though :)

so i published some poetry and i'm feeling a little less stressed. that and dowloading some high quality 98... shit no degrees symbol? are you kidding me? at any rate, yeah jay and kyle did a phenonmenal job of pissing me off. i have the feeling that they will not be coming up here together anytime too soon. and she will no longer drink in my presense. i thought i was bad, but she does crap like that all the time.. wait. ok so i did some really stupid things too. but i guess the difference is that i regretted it the next day, and eventually enough to stop doing it. it sucks to turn down all these invitations to parties and events but i know myself better than that and i can't handle that kind of thing on my own yet. even with jen. she's not enough to stop me and lately has needed more attention that even i have so... besides i can't expect her to make decisions for me. i'm almost 22 and i need to start taking responsibility, even if its not as fun as irresponsibility. what was the point? oh that jay needs to do that and i'm not babysitting anymore. right.

and i hate to say it, but i was uncomfortable talking with laura here. i had a few issues with the whole situation (you know, those little noises that escaped every now and then - those were issues) like that jen just left the two of us up here pretty much the whole time. i like laura and i have fun hanging out with her, but i need space. and she's much more jen's friend than mine and i felt obligated, since apparently jen didn't, to keep her entertained (at least until i gave up and fell asleep on the bed last night). and, i mean, come on. i know she's still in love with you (hehehe link for clarity...even though you're the only reader) and however much i don't understand her inability to get over people, i'm not going to talk to her about you. she tells me all kinds of things (leaving out the being in love with you parts which i'm pretty sure jen gets to enjoy and will probably get quite an earful of soon) and sometimes looks at me expectantly like oh why don't you share some info? so i pull things out of the past to relate to hers. even though that's not what i'm thinking...i don't know. in itself its frustrating that i don't really have anyone to talk to about you...well katie hears some of it but we don't communicate as regularly as we should, so... i don't know. maybe it's a girl thing to want to talk and compare stories and such. and as is i can, of course, tell you anything i want, but i guess i miss out on the "bragging" for lack of a better word. you (should) already know how great you are and the amazing things you do for (and to) me... hmmm. sorry. daydream "static" on the brainwaves :) where was i headed with this....?

oh i guess just that i felt uncomfortable. i love talking to you (by default since it's the next best thing until i can actually see you again, and do everything to you i've been thinking up....and there i go again. sexually frustrated much?) and i was limited in that, in my own residence! i mean, i didn't need to be online. i'm not all the time anyways. *on a side note, i feel extremely overwhelmed by you and laura and your computer prowess. i'm being completely honest here. i'm intimidated by these kinds of things and i know i CAN learn things quickly, but the whole thing scares me. especially talking to random people online. we've had that discussion but it really, for some reason, is so foreign to me that i back away from it. i don't know...*

ok and i was saying... that i'm obviously ADD or something. and that i was mad that i didn't get to talk to you as openly as i wanted to and i tried to make excuses for myself again. there's a fine line between being assertive and being rude, and i don't take chances with that line, as much as i can help it anyways. that's what makes my leadership style different (and i think better) than everyone elses; that i so easily notice and identify emotions and feelings in myself and others and i know how to piss people off and i know how to make them pleased with just about anything. even with brian (our manager). i smoothed that over well.. he and jen had words but he and i just talked... i'm proud of myself sometimes. so i guess i'm saying that i wish sometimes that i COULD just disregard her, but i already know how she feels; i can't claim ignorance. and i just can't do that to people. so i guess having no other options, i will have to restrict visitors, to , say one night. except you. like i said, you could stay here forever, and that would please me. you could stay in my bed, physically touching me 24/7 and i still wouldn't get annoyed or uncomfortable... thinking quite the opposite.

ok the ramblings are slowing so i think i catharsis-ed it all out for now :) quickly, if you get bored, a few recommendations for music:
Phish - Farmhouse
Eric Heatherly - Swimming in Champagne (yeah its country and yeah it's mushy, but just trust me)
The Katies - Powerkiss (ok so i made fun of it but jen and i agree this is actually GOOD)
U2 - All I Want is You
Martina McBride - Cry on the Shoulder of the Road (also country... awesome song. listened to this a lot coming and going to PA)

ok i'm done
byebye!

posted by kate 2:13 PM