ok so the sober recap of last night....
so jen and i went to dinner with melissa.
we went to this microbrewery called hosters where our friends dana and nikki work. dana is another ex-OG employee and we know nikki because of dana. so nikki invites us out with them and some other friends later, but melissa doesn't go because of that whole teacher thing. so we pull up to their house and realize as we're walking towards the door that their other roommate, yancy, might be there. no one likes yancy. even dana. but all of us who worked at the OG knew hin because he'd tag along to our parties and stuff. he also dated a few of us at some point or another, including (obviously) myself, and also my friend Mel. which was awkward and nearly ruined our friendship, but we ended up bonding over him dicking us over and on that both of us don't like him (hate is too strong in this case) anymore. so of course he WAS there, and just kinda watched me the whole time before we left... very uncomfortable... and jen accidently made some awkward reference that implied things... it was just weird.
so we go to the bar and scrunch all 8 of us into one table. then we start getting up to use the restroom and talking to other people and stuff and i watched him inch his way over next to me. and i didn't move when i had the opportunity. maybe i wanted one last stab at making him feel bad for what he did to me (because, as much as i hate to admit it, he did dump me, not the other way around, and i actually kinda liked him for at least part of the time) we had one of those on again off again deals and we never knew where we stood with each other and i slept with lots of other people whenever we weren't together. oh he asked me how many people i'd been with since him. i said one. he said none. like that was going to win me back? he tried to convince me he's over his ex (which he's not; he never will be) and said i was the only person he ever had fun with and complimented me on any and every thing. ok so maybe i kinda liked that part. but still not so much him.
i think the funniest is when he asked if i got his hang up phone call saturday night. and i said oh yeah while i was working at quarters. he admitted to walking to my apt twice to knock on the door because he didn't believe i wasn't home (ok psycho). he thought i was out with some other guy and wasn't coming home that night. i repeated rather angrily that i was WORKING AT QUARTERS. and it was none of his business. and then i reminded him that i have caller id, and that i got every other hang up call he ever made. this seemed to embarass him which pleased me immensely. anyways he felt the need to show me that i was still first on his phone number list that he keeps in his wallet (personally i think if he really wanted me he'd memorize it) i told him that he made it clear a few months ago that he wanted nothing to do with me and that i'm fine with that; that i moved on and i'm happy, and it's just not going to ever happen again. he got up for a minute from the table at the bar and shannon and i were talking about him, and agreed that he was drunk, and she asked if i wanted him back. i guess i made a really disgusted face because she laughed and said she guessed not. i said no. i told her that i have someone else and he's absolutely perfect and i'm not messing it up this time. she agreed it sounded good.
his -brilliant- plan (i mean besides 'accidentally' locking the two of us out on the porch until i knocked loud enough and nikki saved me from that one) was for jen and i to spend the night and we could sleep in his bed and he'd sleep on the floor... yeah right. so we left. i said goodbye and he tried to pull me into bed with him so i detatched myself and we just walked out. then i came home and talked to you about, well, you name it we talked about it :)
you have no idea how much it means to me that you were still up and that you listen to me be angry and beat myself up and recount bad bad things i've done, and that you still want me. maybe you DO realize how much you've changed me. and trust me, it's a lot. i guess that's what i was trying to convey in forest last night; that it would have been a non-issue before, but i care so much about you that no one really measures up and it's just pointless to even think that anyone can fill the lonliness i feel sometimes, except for you.
posted by kate 6:08 PM
something's always wrong
posted by kate 4:25 AM
hmmm. i lost what i started to write earlier when i checked to see what YOU wrote.
i was saying that my big realization today is that i'm not that far away. it hit me when i was walking home. i'm not THAT far away from my apt when i go to my last class. then i started thinking. i'm not that far away from graduating. i'm not that far off of the right path. and i'm not that far from being the person i want to be. and that feels... hmmm.. i think enlightening is a good word. uplifting. redeeming. assuring.
in response to you...
nor for you to feel awkward with me... but i really feel like that won't be a problem anymore.
as for unsure... i will probably always feel that way, at least to some degree. just been hurt too many times, by too many people. did i tell you about how my mom betrayed me? that's a really sad story, and is what basically broke my trust in all people.
ok i guess i realized somewhere in there that we feel pretty mutually. maybe that wasn't what i meant to ask.
and yes it does feel too good to be true, but as i realized before, everyone deserves something good in their lives, regardless of what they may have done wrong.
i guess i'll be talking to you in a minute here, so...
posted by kate 8:17 PM
"But it feels so good to not feel bad."
posted by kate 12:42 PM
word of the night
CATHARSIS
posted by kate 12:38 AM
i have nothing definate to say. i probably never will. but as long as i amuse myself, then i'll just keep on going like an energizer bunny. hmm. that 3 cops o' joe seem to be affecting me.
and yeah lately i've noticed all these mushy, sweet, lovey-dovey things i've been saying. a long long time ago when i had "normal" boyfriends i was like that. then normal became psychos, alcoholics, and abusive guys and i kinda forgot how. now i'm afraid of opening up like that, cause i know i'll be crushed if a certain person doesn't respond the way i want him to but that has yet to be a problem...have you ever heard the song "I Don't want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith? ok cause i always thought that was such a cheeseball song and then when i was honest with myself i realized that it was just cause i wanted to feel that way and i knew i never would with the asshole... not as long as he kept , well, you know this already. anyways.
when you first got to the hotel (ok i figured why bother with the 3rd person crap when you're the only one who cares/reads this) i felt kinda akward. maybe you're over this cause of eeting people you talked to online before, but i was shy because i kept thinking about the phone and cyber experiences we had... me and shy are rarely found in the same sentence, unless of course we are talking bondage or something... but i was. i was afraid to walk up and kiss you even though that's what i wanted more than anything. maybe i'm reading to much into my life, but i have so many doubts about so many things....and i'm just so confused anymore about relationships. i know (at least the parts i can comprehend) how i feel about you, but i still don't know how you feel. and i know you've told me but i guess i'm so insecure about some things i just need repetition.
i know i ask a lot of people; especially you. i never want you to think i don't appreciate everything you do for me. you are basically too good to be true, in so many senses, and i just don't know how that's possible. i've bulit up such strong defenses, i have my reactions planned before anything bad ever happens. and yet you tell me it won't. and yet i can't give up my security. i don't know.
i'm glad i went to school today. laura and i are going to bond this weekend. that's another thing. i guess i feel kinda bad for her, but not bad enough. i don't feel guilty at all and i have a lingering feeling that i should. i think the mass amounts of alcohol consumed that night might have taken away a lot of my decency - ok it obviously did. but i just don't feel bad. why should i feel bad about the first person to make me feel good in... psssht. who even remembers that far back? i can't believe i left my poetry notebook in cleveland! grrr. i guess though like i said it's easier to edit online, but for just sketching out ideas... i have an older one heer that i guess i'll have to revive. ooh and i just found a pretty good one... off to understatement for a second.... (hold music)
posted by kate 12:32 AM
Lyrics
Is love so fragile...
and the heart so hollow
Shatter with words...
impossible to follow
You're saying I'm fragile...I try not to be
I search only...for something I can't see
I have my own life...and I am stronger
Than you know
But I carry this feeling
When you walked into my house
That you won't be walking out the door
Still I carry this feeling
When you walked into my house
That you won't be walking out the door
Lovers forever...face to face
My city or mountains
Stay with me stay
I need you to love me
I need you today
Give to me your leather...
Take from me...my lace
You in the moonlight
With your sleepy eyes
Could you ever love a man like me
And you were right
When I walked into your house
I knew I'd never want to leave
Sometimes I'm a strong man
Sometimes cold and scared
And sometimes I cry
But that time I saw you
I knew with you to light my nights
Somehow I'd get by
First time I saw you
I knew with you to light my nights
Somehow I would get by
Lovers forever...face to face
My city or mountains
Stay with me stay
I need you to love me
I need you today
Give to me your leather
Take from me...my lace
Lovers forever...face to face
My city or mountains...stay with me stay
I need you to love me...I need you to stay
Give to me your leather
Take from me...my lace
Take from me...my lace
Take from me...my lace
posted by kate 11:53 PM
I know I've been using a lot of songs lately, but sometimes they say so much so well... it would take me a long time to express in MY words what these people have done so clearly and in such moving narrative... to not give them credit for the musical interpretation of pure feelings would be to betray the feelings themselves and thus risk "offending against them".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Night is Still Young
I'm young enough to still see the passionate boy that I used to be
But I'm old enough to say I got a good look at the other side
I know we got to work real hard, maybe even for the rest of our lives
But right now I just want to take what I can get tonight
While the night is still young
I want to keep making love to you while the night is still young
I'd like to settle down, get married and maybe have a child someday
I can see a time coming when I'm gonna throw my suitcase out
No more separations where you have to say goodnight to a telephone
Baby I've decided that ain't what this life is all about, oh
While the night is still young, while the night is still young
I want to try and make the world brand new while the night is still young
Rock and roll music is the only thing I ever gave a damn about
There was something that was missing but I never used to wonder why
Now I know you're the one I need to make things right again
And I may lose the battle but you're giving me the will to try, oh
While the night is still young, because the night is still young
I've got a lot of catching up I've got to do while the night is still young
While the night is still young
I want to try and make the world brand new while the night is still young
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
posted by kate 8:02 PM
Friday night I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head
Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule
Saturday I'm running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I'm seeing it so clear
I've been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made
If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Babylon, Babylon
Sunday all the lights of London
Shining , Sky is fading red to blue
I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to
Turning back for home
You know I'm feeling so alone
I can't believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me
If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Babylon, Babylon, Babylon
posted by kate 4:28 PM
Lyrics to Dr. Evil's Song About Mini Me
Dr. Evil"This is a very sensitive subject.
Yaaaaaaa mmmmmmm
From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone,
I knew that I would be safe cause I would never be alone.
An evil doctor shouldnt speak about his feelings,
my hurt and my pain dont make me to appealin.
I hoped Scott would look up to me,
run the buiesness of the fam-i-l-y.
Head an evil empire just like his dear old dad,
Give him my love and the things I never had.
Scott would think I was a good guy,
Return the love I had, make my want to cry.
be evi-ll, but have my felings to,
change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou.
But Scott rejected me.
Ces la vie
life is cruel treat you unfairly.
even so a god there must be Mini-me, you complete me
umhhhmmmmmmmm
yaaaaaaaa
just me and you gettn jiggy with it
yaa, who, hum, quite pleasant, really"
Mini:"You and I!!!!!"
posted by kate 4:44 AM
"Yo DJ! Spin up some jams!"
-dorky guy at quarters to tom, who just gave him a confused look
posted by kate 4:25 AM
Dr. Evil: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Scott: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a dope?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Evil: You're not quite evil enough. You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough.
Dr. Evil: Mini-me, you complete me.
[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]
Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--
Jet Pilot: Dick! Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge--
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker!
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Oh goodness, it's not a bird, it's--
Army Sergeant: Privates! We have reports of an Unidentified Flying Object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with--
Baseball Umpire: Two balls! [looking up from game] What is that? It looks just like an enormous--
Colonel: Johnson!
Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
posted by kate 4:23 AM