And I must confess
And I must confess,
I must confess,
I admire your style and manner of dress.
But your friends and your loved ones
those chosen and won,
I cannot appeal to the conquered and done.
The tortured and dead
hung off of the ledge
begged for a tumbler of vinegar instead.
Tear down your cross
though rotted with moss,
I nailed you to mine without weighing the cost.
And I must confess,
I must confess,
I fell in love with the curve of your neck.
But the words of your tongue,
the tune of your song
could never fortell the engulfment to come.
The gold on my hand,
and the chain off the band
carry the promise to a far distant land.
Oh will you confess,
can you confess
to stealing my life with an 'innocent' kiss?
So let me confess,
confuse and digress
on this point of distraction, this point of duress.
For soon all the miles
that protect every lie
will taper to a distance measured in sighs.
And the solitude safe
I've come to embrace
fades in the dawn of your love-enhanced face.
And I hate to confess
what is more complex
than the reason my tongue slips each 'I confess'.
isn't that just so amazing and so well put? i know i'm impressed :)
posted by kate 1:12 AM
My life closed twice
My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,
So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.
posted by kate 12:59 AM
so i went, and i'm really glad i did...
i never thought i'd be the one that needed to go.
i got my sister to go with me but she was so tired she kept nodding off :)
at least i enjoyed it.
it was kinda wierd how relevant the entire sermon was, and the prayers almost made me cry...it was exactly what i needed to hear and i think there might just be something here i need and have needed for a long time.
it's hard for me to say when i'm wrong, but i think this time i have to;
there are still a lot of things i don't agree with and even more i just don't understand.
but i'm learning, and i think some of the most profound things i got out of tonight are that religion is revealed in mysterious ways; that its never too late to change; that it's ok to want and demand qualifications before believing; and that are so many people out there willing to help me in this that as long as i want it, gradually i can come around and change anything i want to.
this might be the first time i actually feel the REAL meaning of this holiday; i always appreciated even the chance to see my relatives and friends and i love giving gifts...but i now think that there's something even more. it's more like a reminder this year of faith and love and hope; an affirmation that it WILL be ok and a promise that every day holds a vast significance. and that means a lot to me. it's something i've been searching for and needing to hear even though i didn't even know it myself until now. i feel really good about this; thank you for encouraging me :)
posted by kate 12:36 AM
i have an unexplainable NEED to go to church tonight.
so i should probably go take a shower and find something nice to wear;
even though that whole idea of dressing up for church is something i totally disagree with in fundamental ways
but why stir up contention
especially right now
i'm off
posted by kate 4:46 PM
i just can't make it ok and i know i don't deserve it but if anyone ever hears anything i say... keep her safe. please/
posted by kate 5:25 AM
somebody had a bad dream...
posted by kate 5:02 AM
did you ever love somebody so completely and so .... unconditionally? that they can do no wrong and every step is exactly what you needed to hear? that every day is a reminder of why you stuck around, and every word is why you kept your faith. Maybe I'm the only one, but it sure feels good if/when someone lights up your life :) i know. I cried so much tonight... my sister apparently got the wrong idea. i need her to be ok
i need to know she'll be allright in the end
and i know it's my fault
and i know now that this is my punishment
and al i can do is say how sorry i am...
gllnOSU: i have to admit i guess that i had a little to drink...safe circumstances and all...i'm sorry
MgllnOSU: i couldn't wait ot find you and you're all i think about.
Clay VT: it's ok..
MgllnOSU: no i feel really bad
Clay VT: how much did you drink?
MgllnOSU: not too much but enough
MgllnOSU: but still
MgllnOSU: i reaffirmed that all i can think about is you
MgllnOSU: so i guess i'm miserably elated
MgllnOSU: oxymoron
Clay VT: bittersweet..
MgllnOSU: i know
MgllnOSU: i know that...well nevermind
Clay VT: nevermind what?
Clay VT: heh, that's a dumb question, you just said nevermind
MgllnOSU: i've been drinking; you really don't want me to talk
Clay VT: i've found alcohol to be something of a truth serum
Clay VT: but i'll take your word for it
MgllnOSU: yeah but i don't know if i'm ready for that
Clay VT: that's why i'm taking your word for it
MgllnOSU: you too?
Clay VT: me too what?
MgllnOSU: not ready
Clay VT: i just don't want you to say anything that you're not ready to
MgllnOSU: it's not that....
MgllnOSU: i am SO ....
MgllnOSU: i guess i'm just really unsure about what exactly that would mean
Clay VT: ok.. so you probably shouldn't say anything then
MgllnOSU: if you say so
MgllnOSU: i trust you
Clay VT: you're the one that said i don't want you to talk right now because you've been drinking
Clay VT: :-)
MgllnOSU: i know and you're the one that said its a trueth serum :-)
MgllnOSU: ok i can't spell
MgllnOSU: so what?
Clay VT: hehe you got serum right, but not truth ;-)
Clay VT: and it is
MgllnOSU: ok
MgllnOSU: so then?
Clay VT: oh hell i don't know what i'm saying :-)
MgllnOSU: why?
Clay VT: i dunno, talking around things makes me confused
MgllnOSU: i'm sorry sweetie
MgllnOSU: i didn't mean to
Clay VT: it's ok hon.. i'm fine :-*
MgllnOSU: :-*
Clay VT: i missed you tonight, did you have fun?
Clay VT: and today, for that matter
MgllnOSU: yeah but i discovered that i only miss you even more if i drink anything :-(
Clay VT: :-(
MgllnOSU: right
MgllnOSU: yeah that
Clay VT: soon, baby
Clay VT: soon
MgllnOSU: but it's true if you can decode it :-)
Clay VT: 6 days
Clay VT: i knew what you meant :-)
MgllnOSU: i know and even that is too long right now
Clay VT: at least you can talk to me.. :-*
MgllnOSU: ok then...
Clay VT: it's not the next best thing, but it's better than nothing :-)
MgllnOSU: apparently j got the wrong idea from me
MgllnOSU: it's THE best thing
MgllnOSU: anyways she somehow thought that hurting herself would solve her problems
Clay VT: now her too?
MgllnOSU: and i just want to kill myself and any idea she ever got from me
Clay VT: :-(
MgllnOSU: because she is the ok one
MgllnOSU: she is th eone who can deal with things
MgllnOSU: and if she can' t then i don't know who can
MgllnOSU: and i'm lost
Clay VT: i'm here.
MgllnOSU: i need that
MgllnOSU: someone grounded who can
MgllnOSU: tell me
Clay VT: i can deal
MgllnOSU: what's in my imaginantion and what's not
MgllnOSU: and i need her to be safe and ok
MgllnOSU: and i can't give that to her
MgllnOSU: and i hate myself for it
Clay VT: she needs to know that it's not an answer
MgllnOSU: i know and YOU need to know i'm not asking you to support me; i just need her to be ok
Clay VT: i know
MgllnOSU: i need that at least in my life
MgllnOSU: i can't ruin her too
Clay VT: then you have to explain it to her
MgllnOSU: and i feel like i have
MgllnOSU: i try
Clay VT: so this has been going on ?
Clay VT: more than a little while?
MgllnOSU: she knows and for her toresort to that is an extreme i didn;t think she would take
MgllnOSU: no
MgllnOSU: very very recently
Clay VT: i thought so
MgllnOSU: why?
Clay VT: it sounds like you found out about this tonight
MgllnOSU: i did
MgllnOSU: like minutes ago
Clay VT: ahh.
Clay VT: so you need to sit her down when it's not 4am and you don't have anything in your system and talk this out
MgllnOSU: we have
MgllnOSU: its just worse
MgllnOSU: because like i said i can't right now and
MgllnOSU: i tried so hard to protect her
MgllnOSU: and it didn't do any good at all
MgllnOSU: i don't want her to go through this
i WILL stop this before it gets out of control
i love her and i'll stop it
no matter what i have to do
posted by kate 4:48 AM